Aug 18, 2009 - Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
On July 14th, 2009, the Boston Chapter of the HBA and AstraZeneca hosted the event “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.” The keynote speaker was Debbie Goldstein, Managing Director of the Triad Consulting Group. The theories and practices discussed at the presentation were based on the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (Penguin 2000), a New York Times Business Bestseller.
Ms. Goldstein opened up the evening describing her range of experiences dealing with conflict resolution ranging from the Middle East to the northern tip of Alaska, including several anecdotes regarding the myriad of personalities she experienced during her travels. She then quickly captured the audience’s attention by stating “If you want to understand a difficult conversation, you must look to what people are thinking and feeling but not saying.” She suggested that often the most difficult conversations occur because either person is not truly listening to what the other is saying. In order to gain access to this information, you need to make the conversation easier by listening to the other individual’s “internal voice” instead of your own. If you do not address this “gap” in opinions between the two parties involved, the conversation will get increasingly difficult. To visually depict this concept, the audience watched an interactive psychology video that highlighted the importance of tuning into other’s perceptions, not just your own.
After a series of interactive activities, Ms. Goldstein discussed the theory behind the “Ladder of Inference,” which is a concept developed by Chris Argyris of Harvard Business School and Don Schon of MIT. The Ladder of Inference is a tool that shows how people arrive at their “conclusions” that come out in the form of conversation. It states that each person must filter through thousands of pieces of data from our own experiences, which we then filter to selected data, our reasoning & interpretations, and finally our conclusions. By the time we are speaking, we feel that we are right because we have filtered down this information based on our personal experiences, not anyone else’s. Therefore, as we engage in difficult conversations, we must advocate and explain “up” our ladder by stating how we came to our conclusions and inquire “down” the other person’s ladder by asking them questions based on their conclusions, reasoning, interpretations, selected data, and finally the available data from their experiences. Ms. Goldstein emphasized that we all need to shift our opinion from “Who’s right?” to “Why do we see this differently?” which is based on our different data, reasoning, and past experiences. She concluded the evening with a simple, but thought-provoking concept. She stated that the best way to persuade someone in favor of a particular idea is to start a conversation by asking a question, and then continue to acknowledge and paraphrase the other person’s sentiments. This will help guide you in learning more how they are feeling and also make the other party be willing to open up to the conversation. Overall, attendees gained valuable information that will give them more confidence and insight into engaging in difficult conversations.