Skills For Success
January/February 2001
Powerful Women Don’t Talk a Lot, They Ask!
Dorothy Leeds
President, Organizational Technologies, Inc.
Was one of your New Years wishes to reach your full potential and be as successful as you can be? How do people become powerful? By knowing more, understanding more, and thus making better decisions. They know that asking questions is the only way to get information, gain commitment, build relationships and reach their full potential. Powerful people know that to get ahead, you must stop talking and start asking.
How can you use the “magic wand”called the question to become more powerful? That is what I explore in my new book, The 7 Powers of Questions. The end result of applying the seven powers is that you get unstuck – in the way you communicate, relate, work and live. We all use questions now, but are you asking better, different, more focussed questions than you did last year? My purpose here is to encourage women to stop taking questions for granted and instead take advantage of this amazing and underutilized power — the question.
How can women use questions to gain the competitive edge?
Women automatically have an advantage here. Studies show that women are more open to asking questions and listening attentively to the answer with both our right and left brains. With the constant power struggle women face, it is crucial that women ask more and better questions, because asking is the great equalizer. By asking better questions, you get better information and automatically become much more powerful. Reawaken that curious child inside you and ask questions about how things work, how you can do your job better, why people made the decisions they made, and who is in power and why.
Questions can level the playing field. By asking the right kinds of questions, women can get and keep control in any situation. They are the perfect way to keep control without seeming overbearing or “too aggressive.” Often times, we are caught in a Catch-22—if we seem too controlling we are labeled with derogatory names, but if we sit back and let things happen without getting involved, we’re left behind. Many of my female colleagues articulate the same concern: men taking credit for their ideas. If it happens to you, ask this: “John, I see you’ve adopted my idea. What did you find so helpful about it?” A question can be your charming savior. Don’t let John get away with it, or he will continue to poach your ideas.
Is there such a thing as a dumb question?
Yes and no. First of all, no question is a dumb question when it is a sincere attempt to obtain information. Contrary to popular belief, it does not make you less powerful to ask someone for information. How could it? We live in the Information Age, but ironically it is difficult– sometimes, nearly impossible – to get the right information. The only way to get accurate information is to ask, clarify and probe.
Second, unfortunately, there are some questions that aren’t quite as smart as others. Have you ever been manipulated by someone asking you leading questions? Think of a car salesperson asking you, “This is the best car for you, don’t you agree?” That question, and questions like it, are manipulative. From my research, they make people uncomfortable. A better – and less manipulating – question is, “What about this car? Is it to your liking?” You’ll get a lot more information, too.
A long string of closed-ended questions is not so smart either. “What’s your name? How old are you? Are you married? Why are you here?” These are annoying and will only alienate the other person. Indirect questions like “Wouldn’t you like to get that for me?” can drive people up the wall. In a department store recently, I witnessed a manager walk up to a salesperson who wasn’t doing anything and ask, “What are you doing now?” The salesperson, obviously annoyed at the question, said, “Nothing. Is there something you would like me to do?” I walked away thinking how much more productive it would have been for the manager to ask directly, “Would you please go clean up those racks?”
Do your words make a difference?
The answer is a very big, yes! Think about the difference between these three questions: Could the government do something about healthcare? Should the government do something about healthcare? Will the government do something about healthcare? You will get three very distinct answers to these three questions.
The words you use in your questions will dramatically affect the answer you receive. Be sure you choose the right words. Before asking the question, ask yourself two key questions: What is my purpose in asking? Is this question going to fulfill that purpose? Take the example above about healthcare. If your purpose is to find out what actions the respondent thinks the government could take, which question would you ask? You would ask, “What could the government do about healthcare?” By adding the “what” you’ve assured a more in-depth reply.
Consider the tone of your voice. The question, “Why did you do it this way?” will be received differently depending on your tone and emotion behind the question. If you ask that question in a judgmental way, the respondent is likely to be offended and hurt. But, if you ask it with sincerity and real curiosity, you will be perceived as caring and interested.
And, finally, spice up your questions with imaginative and engaging words. Instead of asking, “What books do you like to read?” ask, “Describe the books you find irresistible.” The other person will take notice of a question like this and most likely put a lot more thought into her answer.
How can questions help me network?
Questions get people to open up because they show you care. By asking someone sincerely about herself, what she does, how she feels, and how she thinks, you are creating a bond by listening to her and making her feel important. This builds and strengthens relationships and as we all know, it’s all about connections. When people know you care about them, they are more willing to go the extra mile for you.
Many women are afraid that by asking for help, they risk being perceived as weak. But, it takes a strong person to admit she needs help. Relationships – business and personal – are all about asking for help and giving help. Two of the smartest questions you can ask are “Can you help me?” and “How can I help you?” That’s what networking is all about.
How can questions help me shine socially?
We’ve all experienced moments of social awkwardness, not knowing anyone in the room and not knowing what to say. But, you don’t have to say anything—just ask! The first secret to using questions to shine socially is to go to the party or meeting with a list of interesting “group-joining” questions such as “Have you ever been to a party where you didn’t know anyone? What did you do?” and “What questions do I need to ask to be part of this group?” Questions can be a great icebreaker. A colleague of mine told me that she had read an article about what people do with the cotton in their vitamin and medicine bottles. She was intrigued by the article and started asking people at parties what they did with their cotton. They loved it and welcomed her.
If you want to be a memorable social success, promise yourself that you are not going to talk more than a third of the time. The remaining two-thirds, just ask and listen. You’ll be glad you did.
How can questions help me reach my full potential?
We’ve talked a lot about the questions you ask other people and how they lead to success, but what about your internal dialogue? The toughest questions are the ones we ask ourselves. “What do I really want to do?” “What do I want to be when I grow up?” “Where do I want to go from here?” These are questions we have all asked, but in my experience, many people ask them, but few answer them. In fact, we avoid them like the plague. We procrastinate. We are so busy. To really take control of your life and move forward, it is crucial that we fully answer these difficult questions.
“What do I want to do?” is a good question, but not a great one. “What would I do if I could not fail?” is better. This question leads you to think about where your heart really lies, about what your passions are. Of course, practically speaking, we can’t always fulfill all of our dreams. But, by asking that question, you know what is important. The next question to ask is, “How can I realistically achieve that?” The next question, “What is the first step?” This is how change occurs—asking yourself about what you really want and thinking productively about how to get it.
Questions are the answer. They are the gold of the new millennium. They can help us achieve our goals and reach our dreams because they have power. Become an asker! Can you think of a better way to start the New Year?
Dorothy Leeds is the author of The 7 Powers of Questions, PowerSpeak, and Smart Questions (for managers). A popular keynote speaker and sales trainer for the healthcare industry, she believes in woman power! She can be reached at (212) 864-2424 or visit her website at www.dorothyleeds.com
THE SMART QUESTIONS SYSTEM
1. What is my purpose? A smart question is a question with a purpose. Ask yourself, “Why am I asking?” and “What do I want to accomplish?”
2. How can I word this question for maximum effectiveness? Choosing the right words—the best words—can dramatically affect the answer you receive.
3. Who am I asking? Be sure that the question and the way you are asking it fits the respondent. If you ask a very talkative person an open ended question, be prepared to listen. If you are short on time, ask talkative people more closed-ended questions. The more questions you ask the better you become at deciphering what kind of questions works best with whom.
4. Does my body language support my question? If you are asking someone about herself and are trying to appear sincere, don’t look around while you are asking. Make sure your body language is open and inviting and your eye contact is direct.
5. Is my voice in sync with my intent? Your voice is your calling card. People sense your meaning not only from your words. for example, if you sound rushed or impatient, the respondent will know it.