Skills For Success

September/October 2003

Life Skills: How to Parent in a Materialistic Society

“Humor is an effective way to combat gotta have-itis! When my sons say, ‘Puhleeze, Mom, can we buy that?’ I’ll say, ‘No, let’s buy two. No, wait, let’s buy a hundred!’ They get the picture pretty quickly.” Lisa Hoffman, Editor, Emergency Medicine News New York, NY Max 8-1/2, Sam 6

Step 1: Dematerialize

This realization led me to seek out an excellent book entitled Dematerializing: Taming the Power of Possessions by Jane Hammerslough (Perseus Publishing). While reading some of the homework assignments posted on the bulletin board outside her son’s second grade classroom, Hammerslough was struck by one child’s essay entitled “Who Am I?” Sadly, the child had responded to the question by listing his possessions!

“The promise of possessions to fulfill a tangle of needs, wants and desires is seductive, fast, and easy. But it also takes up space, not just in our closets, but in our lives. It takes up time. It takes up energy. And I found that for me, as well as for people who spoke with me about materialism in their own lives, it may not be enough,” Hammerslough writes.

This author doesn’t ask us to give up all of our worldly possessions; rather, the central thrust of dematerializing is to divest ourselves of the belief that possessions have the power to fulfill our deepest needs. Following are a few of Hammerslough’s more basic tips:

  • Turn off the TV.
  • Sleep on it before you buy it.
  • Clear out excess junk.
  • Complain less.
  • Adopt an attitude of “luckiness.”
  • Celebrate the things that are larger than purchasing power.

Step 2: Admit the Power of the Media to Shape Your Child’s World

“I find it easier to spend quality time with my daughter if I get out of the house—especially since I started back to work. If I stay home, I find I should be doing housework, paying bills, returning phone calls, etc.” Jane Gorham Attorney, Warren, Hensley & Bowen, LLP Boston, MA Grace, 11 months

This step is rooted in the somewhat controversial work of George Gerbner, Professor of Communications and Dean Emeritus of the Annenberg School for Communication at the University of Pennsylvania. Gerbner developed the area of communication study known as Cultivation Theory, which is his argument that television has become the “central cultural arm of American society.” Indeed, he links TV viewing, especially heavy viewing, with the way people perceive the world around them.

“For the first time in human history,” Gerbner writes, “most children are born into homes where most of the stories do not come from the parents, schools, churches, communities, and in many places even from their native countries, but from a handful of conglomerates who have something to sell.”

“Once they turned 13, I gave my three children a clothing budget. Each one got a set amount to spend twice a year on anything they wanted in the way of clothing excluding coats and underwear. We would go shopping and I would deduct what they were going to spend from the total, so they learned how to weigh what was important and what wasn’t, or to identify something they had to work for. Many times I told them I would split the cost of something with them, and sometimes I had to devise an actual payment plan which I stuck to— no exceptions! The first couple of seasons were tough, but they got the hang of it. I wouldn’t give in, but I always helped them come up with a solution or compromise.” Shellie Caplan, mother of triplets President, Caplan Associates Inc., East Hampton, NY Joelle, Nicole and Justin, 27

I never used to believe that the media had much power over any person of even average intelligence. My opinion has changed since I had a child. My son is in love with Julie Aigner-Clark (the dulcet-toned founder of The Baby Einstein Company. Angier-Clark appears on all of the company DVDs/videos). By the time he was four months old, my son instantly recognized and went into spasms of delight over the Disney logo. His adoration of all that he has thus far been exposed to on TV/video is thought pro-voking. Clearly the media have a much more powerful influence—especially on young, open, eager minds—than I thought. And children, it seems, respond to this influence with their surprisingly real purchasing power. Indeed, according to Dr. Susan Linn, Associate Director of the Media Center of the Judge Baker Children’s Center (Boston, MA), American children influence about $50 billion of spending per year and spend about $9 billion of their own money. In a study by the nonprofit Center for the New American Dream (Takoma, MD), nearly half of all parents reported that their children begin asking for brand-name products by the age of five and nearly one-third reported working longer hours to pay for the things that their children said they needed. To keep this lucrative locomotive running, marketing research has evolved into a finely tuned science that transforms consumer wants or desires into full felt consumer “needs.”

Commercialism also can harm our children’s creative thinking abilities. In a recent article for the Parent Coaching Institute (Bellevue, WA) by Rachel Eden, MA, an elementary school teacher, Eden writes: “There are students in my classes who cannot create a story unless it revolves around a TV character or superhero, whose lunch items are colorfully decorated with the latest craze from the box office or Burger King, whose entire outfits and matching backpacks are walking commercials for some movie. The children are so immersed in Disney, Nickelodeon and Nintendo that they no longer have access to their own images and creative imaginations.”

The bottom line is that there is an undeniably powerful commercial undercurrent working to suck my little boy out to a mindless sea of shopping malls. How do I begin teaching him (and myself) to distinguish what he really needs from what he wants? More importantly, how do my husband and I teach our son that material possessions don’t fill emotional/spiritual life needs and that imagination and creative thought are more powerful than any TV fantasy? Eden and other child development experts offer these tips:

  • Keep in mind that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under two should not watch TV.
  • If your child does watch TV, limit viewing time and don’t encourage regularity to his/her time in front of the TV.
  • Don’t assume that programs that are billed as “educational” also aren’t highly promotional.
  • Watch TV with your child and be there to answer questions/debunk some of the media myths.
  • When you are shopping with your child, ask aloud: “Do I really need this?” By doing so you set a strong example of consumer awareness.
  • Live an active (rather than passive, “couch potato”) family life that you and your children will benefit from.
  • Encourage your child to use his/her imagination via games, books, music or simple quiet play time. Share this time with your child whenever you can.
  • Encourage creative problem solving, rather than quick-fix solutions
“I created a contract with my daughter. She receives an allowance plus earns her own money from babysitting. As long as she gives a donation to the church each week, and buys small presents for family events, I don’t bug her about how much money she spends on clothes and other ‘ stuff’.” Margaret Gardner Managing Director, Global Medical Communications, LLC Somerville, NJ Alli 13, Kyle 17
“We’ve tried to teach our girls that going to an event together IS ‘the treat,’ and when they ask for any of the thousands of souvenirs that bombard us as we walk to our seats at a movie or show, we just remind them that they don’t need it. We started this practice when they were young, and now they know not to ask!” Judy Tedeschi Freelance Marketing, Cohasset, MA Elisa 9, Christina 7

How much is enough? After all my research and brainstorming with parents of children of all ages, I am still not sure. What I have learned is that it is possible to ameliorate the effects of a materialistic society through intelligent, sensitive parenting. I’ve also learned that parenting, like so many things in life, is about “progress, not perfection.”And, I’ve learned that when it comes to love and quality time, you can never have too much!

RESOURCES
Parent Coaching Institute (PCI)
Bellvue, WA
www.parentcoachinginstitute.com
For a copy of Eden’s article, “Children’s Creative Thinking in the Face of Commercialism,” visit www.parentcoachinginstitute.com/articles.html

The Center for the New American Dream
Takoma Park, MD
www.newdream.org

Dematerializing: Taming the Power of Possessions
—Jane Hammerslough (Perseus Publishing)

The Overspent American
—Juliet Schor (HarperCollins)

The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness
—Edward Hallowell, MD (Ballantine)

How Much is Enough?
—Pamela York Klainer (Basic Books)

What Kids Really Want that Money Can’t Buy
—Betsy Taylor (Warner Books)