SKILLS FOR SUCCESS

July/August 2004

Effective Strategies for Managing Conflict

Margaret P. Bollinger and Rita M. Rochford
Bollinger and Rochford Associates

Recently, the distressed voice of a close friend who is the executive director of a growing non-profit company edged its way through the wires of my telephone. “If conflict is such a natural part of life,” she asked, “why does it cause such difficulty and angst for us all?” Mary Belenky, co-author of Women’s Ways of Knowing, reminds us that, indeed, conflict is natural in life and when well handled, individuals and communities can develop and grow. Ah, there’s the rub. Conflict must be well handled. In fact, how an organization handles conflict is a powerful indicator of how successful it will be. (Samuel Greengard, “Conflict Happens”)

Daniel Goleman, in his book Working with Emotional Intelligence, believes there is a new yardstick in the world of work. We are being judged “not just by how smart we are, or by our training and expertise, but also by how well we handle ourselves and others.” In his research of organizations, Goleman specifically found that effective leaders typically demonstrated strengths in both managing themselves and their workplace relationships. “No matter what leaders set out to do—whether it’s creating strategy or mobilizing teams to action—their success depends on how they do it. Even if they get everything else just right, if leaders fail in (the) primal task of driving emotions in the right direction, nothing they do will work as well as it could or should.” (Primal Leadership, 2004) In today’s fast-paced, often chaotic workplace, how we perform matters. And the good news is that the personal capabilities that enhance self-awareness, self-management and relationship management can be learned. Of these, communication skills and conflict management skills are the most visible.

Conflict Resolution Concepts/Skills

  • Triggers, Cues, and Behaviors
    We all find ourselves in situations that trigger our emotions, “push our buttons,” get our adrenaline flowing. “This adrenaline boost readies our body for a good fight or a speedy flight depending upon how we assess the situation we are in.” (ESR, 1998). We have just a few seconds when we are both physically and mentally alert to respond constructively before our emotions take over. Goleman describes this as “emotional hijacking” or“flooding” - that means that when we lose the ability to keep our emotional impulses in check we also lose the ability to access our thinking brain. (Emotional Intelligence, 1977)
  • Listen Intentionally
    One of the most important communication skills is the ability to listen well. That means focusing on what is being said, determining the other’s needs, and discerning unspoken feelings about the issue. Listening intentionally also helps to diffuse anger.
  • Check for Understanding
    This is the art of paraphrasing (saying back) what we have heard and, if appropriate, reflecting the perceived feelings. Checking for understanding encourages dialogue and sets the stage for a negotiated solution.
  • Communicate Assertively
    By speaking in an assertive, clear way we state how we feel, why we feel this way, and what we would like to see changed. This communication skill is called an “I-Message,” using “I” instead of “You” when communicating our thoughts and feelings. Daniel Goleman calls this “the art of nondefensive speaking... keeping what is said to a specific complaint rather than escalating to a personalattack.” (Emotional Intelligence, 1997) “You-Messages often connect to blame and tend to raise defenses.”
  • Point of View
    Each of us experiences the world from our own point of view. We tend to filter events based upon our goals, feelings, needs, values, experience, gender, age and a myriad of other descriptors. It is important to understand what might affect the other’s point of view, particularly if the disagreement involves a difference of status/experience within the organization. The goal is not to, necessarily, change the other’s point of view especially if it is based on values. Rather, it is important to understand what might affect the other’s point of view, particularly if the disagreement involves a difference of status/experience within the organization. The goal is not to, necessarily, change the other’s point of view especially if it is based on values. Rather, it is important to understand what might affect the other’s point of view, particularly if the disagreement involves a difference of status/experience within the organization. The goal is not to, necessarily, change the other’s point of view especially if it is based on values. Rather, it is our challenge to understand how a particular viewpoint might affect working towards a win/win solution.

Myths Related To Conflict
Conflict is Always Negative.
Creative conflict resolution can be a force for constructive change on a personal and professional level.

Conflict Resolution Must Have a Winner and a Loser.
When participants use a win/win approach to resolving conflicts there is a better chance of meeting needs. While not always possible, it is worth the effort. A person who has “left the table” with none of her/his needs met, may feel victimized and undermine the work of the organization.

There is Only One Way to Handle All Conflicts.
There are a variety of ways to resolve conflicts: collaborate, direct/control, compromise, accommodate, avoid, and appeal to a third party. Each style has possibilities and drawbacks - the challenge is to use the styles skillfully and appropriately. If you favor one or two, consider expanding your repertoire. The more tools we have, the better prepared we are to handle a variety of conflict situations.

Margaret Bollinger and Rita Rochford are trainers/ consultants in conflict resolution and in building constructive work environments. 212-254-2697, 908-461-5258.

Resources
Belenky M, et al. Women’s Ways of Knowing. New York: Basic Books, January 1997.
Educators for Social Responsibility, RCCP, 1998.
Fisher R, and Ury W. Getting to Yes. New York: Houghton Mifflin. April 1992.
Goleman, D. Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books, 1997.
Goleman, D. Working with Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books, 1998.
Goleman, D. Primal Leadership: Learning To Lead with Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Harvard Business School, 2004. Greengard S. Arrive Magazine. “Conflict Happens.” May/June 2004.
Ury W. Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation. New York: Bantam, 1993.